shifting and evolving

I've been reflecting today and realizing that I want space for personal exploration--and exploration of love and peace in the world.

In needing both spaces, I've created a new blog space for more personal reflections on my own life and search for personal peace.  It will be at seekingpaz.blogspot.com and I'll continue this space for larger reflections and thoughts about the world...

I like the feminist concept of "both/and" and I realized that I need space for both!

So...check out the other blog for *more* on body freedom and exploring freedom from fear.  Stay *here* if you want a surprise!  I'm not sure what will continue here, but I hope something will.

Paz & Amor.

the body love map

Soooo...I’m exploring different aspects of love these days.

My, my.  As you can see from my last post, I've been dealing with some sadness.  I've been trying to trust the universe, and feel at peace that (as my friend told me recently) "everything works out perfectly."  I do feel at peace in my heart, though sometimes I still feel sad, too.

I like to contemplate and explore peace and love on a global scale, and then to examine these concepts on a local and even personal level.  These days, I’m thinking more about personal peace and love, and I think that’s okay.  I meander between thinking globally and considering what I have the ability to change and influence in my life. There’s the possibility for both, but right now I recognize I have some personal work to do.  I have some personal peace and love to explore!  This is exciting!  

After the “40 Day Fear Cleanse” I mentioned in previous posts, I have decided to continue my own 40-Day practices.  According to Christine Arylo and Gabrielle Bernstein--and apparently yogis--it takes 40 days to change a habit.  

At the end of the “40 Day Fear Cleanse,” Christine and Gabrielle suggested we create our own “road maps” to freedom.  They suggest on this road map, we consider emotional freedom, relationship freedom, financial freedom, and body freedom.  I think this sounds like a brilliant idea for continuing on a practice.  Originally, I was thinking I would work on relationship freedom first.  However, given the recent end to my romantic relationship, I’d like to re-focus on something I feel more capacity to change right now.  I’d like to focus on body freedom!  Oh, what an area for focus!  And what a topic to write about, as this is one topic that makes me turn into myself quietly and not want to write.  This is a topic that (when fear takes over) makes me cringe and shrink.  

BUT. That is why it’s my super hot new topic for exploring self-love and peace for the next 40 days.  Body love and freedom!  I'll let you know what I learn.

sad

so now I just feel sad.

really sad.

so our dreams don't match up.  and that means we have to move on.  and i understand and accept that.  but right now i'm so sad.

my heart is hurting.  i guess that's what happens when you open up your heart.  sometimes it hurts a lot.

i am trying to trust the universe and believe that everything will be okay.  i believe it will.

just sad...

little ones and dreams

I'm inside and I need to be outside.  I'm going there soon.

Overhead a quiet song is playing that sounds like it should be French.  I think it's in English.  I look outside and I see sunshine and leaves sparkling in the wind.

I just played with my dear friend's little son, and he hugged me repeatedly and made my heart melt.  I adore little kids and I don't get to be around them nearly enough.  I'm so thankful to be an auntie, and I hope for more little ones in my life.  (Hurry up friends, and have more babies!)

There are ideas flowing and bouncing around in my mind right now.  Dreams are simmering and bubbling over in my brain.  I'm excited and inspired.

Other ideas, sadder ones, are clouding my mind a little.  What happens when you truly care for someone, but your dreams are different?  If this someone is a friend, you can just encourage one another...and support one another.  But if this person is someone you share a romantic relationship with, it becomes more complicated.  My heart and mind waiver between logic and emotion.  I hoped so much that this would be someone I could grow and explore life with...but he doesn't want what I want...and that's not fair to either of us.  I have so much fun with him and adore him.  Why must life be so complex?

When I think about my heart, though, and what I want, I have to choose my dreams right now.  I have to choose this future that I dream of...  In the meantime, I will appreciate day-to-day and happiness and all the blessings in my life.  I will appreciate this good man who has made me feel special and happy.

And I will be true to myself and love myself and have faith that everything works out perfectly; that the universe is abundant and what we all need will come to us if we choose authenticity and kindness and are open to the possibilities.

I choose love.  I choose honesty.

In this case, I choose to love myself and my dreams.

Paz.

Is it fear? Or logic?

Day #2:

Goodness, this relationship freedom is complicated and wrapped up with fear for me.

I started out the day thanking the trees and the leaves for being green and breathing in the muggy, cool Anchorage summer air.

This morning I spent a few minutes watching a vlog from Gabrielle Bernstein about letting it be.  Relax.  Trust.  The universe will take care of you.  Listen to your ~ing or your inner wisdom and she will guide you.  She will guide you and take care of you.

So, I'm trying, and perhaps fear is showing up for me in the form of logic?  Are logic and fear different?  Are they the same?

I don't know, but I do know that sometimes it feels safer to keep a distance and to stop something or some relationship before it has the chance to hurt you.

I choose to be open to love and I release my faith in fear.  This is my learned mantra.  I'm imagining white and pink glittery light opening up my heart to possibility and to trust.  I promise to be true to myself no matter what, as well.

What will happen?  I just need to trust.  I'm trying...  It's tough.

Love and peace.

i choose love

I'm revising and revising...

This blog started out so large in its scope, and now I just want to explore love and life...  There are so many things I want to write about--so I leave myself the space to write and explore all of them.  Right now, though...right now, what is important?

I just finished a 40-Day Fear Cleanse--which was superb.  It was led by Christine Arylo and Gabrielle Bernstein and I highly recommend it.  I didn't think of myself as a particularly fearful person, but something...my heart...my gut...told me to sign up.  I did, and I'm so grateful for the learning that ensued.

The end of the 40-Day Cleanse involves committing to oneself.  Committing to continue exploring freedom within one of four areas: emotion, relationship, body, or money...all areas where fear tends to surface in our lives.  We have been directed to choose one of those areas and focus.  (I have trouble focusing sometimes.)

I'm starting out, though, with relationship freedom.  I'm trying to gently work on areas of my life that could use more love...more light... and I know relationship freedom is one of those areas.  I'd like to use this blog to work on the other areas, as well...  And so, we'll see.

Right now, I've been guided through the cleanse to seek spiritual practice, self-love promises, and support.  I'll start there, and keep you posted.

So, for now.  Freedom, love, peace, and kindness...  These ideas, these concepts reside here with me.  Along with them resides humanness and authenticity...the recognition that we struggle, and that struggling is a part of life ...  it helps us grow and learn.

This is it.  It's time to begin...

Peace and love.

where i'm at

"Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world`s grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it. — The Talmud

This just re-inspired me to write more. 

I needed a little reenergizing and here is where I found it.

<3

Libya on my heart

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-12589434


I'm happy to hear that the UN is taking steps to stop Gaddafi and help the Libyan people.  This seems like a positive step...

Journey of the Featherless...Cloud Cult

got myself a mission
i'm going to find heaven
i made crepe paper wings
i think they'll carry me well

i left you a love poem
the best i have written
my favorite words
were the ones i couldn't spell

they say that i'm a lunatic
they say that i am full of it
i say that it's worth dreaming
just for the dream of it

it's all about passion
it's all about preception
don't call me on my cell phone
cause there ain't no reception
where i'm goin

where i'm goin

i think i'm growing feathers
but i'm not sure of it
because i started getting dizzy
about a hundred feet up

i made friends with the clouds
i made friends with the birds
if you ask a goose a question
he never shuts up

honestly i'm missin you
and i hope that you're missing me
cause i could use your lips on me
and a little of drammamine

for the moment i could see
way better than i've ever seen
don't sell my stuff on ebay
because i might be back
before i'm gone

before i'm gone

i'm not the kind of man
who's into looking downwards
i've drank my share of pity
from the bartenders cup

there's so many people
wondering whats the right direction
as far as i'm concerned
there's only one way up

and my fingers they are blisters
and my eyes they are bullet holes
my heart is still beating
guess i'm pretty lucky

pretty lucky

pretty lucky

pretty lucky

(when i'm gone)
pretty lucky


(when i'm gone)
pretty lucky


(when i'm gone)
pretty lucky

mmhmmm

tiny buddha wisdom~

Here's a good article for the day:

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/25-ways-to-be-good-for-someone-else-be-the-positivity-you-want-to-feel/

Check it out~

Thumbs & Good Vibes to Uvita

So, I just returned from a wonderful trip to Costa Rica.  It was my first time traveling there, and I only had a week.  Next time, I hope to stay longer and explore more, but I have a lot of little stories to share from the week-long voyage.  I should mention here that I continue to be pleasantly reminded on my travels of the goodness of people.  Repeatedly, kind strangers have helped me find my way, and been generous and helpful.  Yes, I have had some negative experiences, too, but I’m often impressed by people’s willingness to be friendly.

Costa Ricans (Ticos) were no exception.  

It was on my journey in Costa Rica with my dear friend Kendra, that I tried hitchhiking for the first time.  Yes, I have picked up hitchhikers in the past, and have often thought about doing it…but never got the courage up until this trip.  Maybe it was because Kendra was with me?  Or because our new friend, Margarita, said she did it all the time and it was safe?  In any case, at 31 years of age, I tried hitchhiking for the first time.

Kendra and I walked to the main highway in the noon sunshine, already sweating.  We started our walk along the highway and wondered to ourselves if putting our thumbs out was the correct gesture in CR (we had forgotten to ask Margarita).  Hoping we would not horribly offend Ticos driving by, Kendra bravely stuck out her thumb.  We continued our meandering down the highway, and were picked up within.  The car that pulled over was a bit rough-looking.  Kendra hopped in the front seat, and I slid into the back seat.  I suppose we should have thought that through, as I speak Spanish more fluently than Kendra.  The man who had picked us up looked gruff.  He said some things to Kendra, who couldn’t understand, and I couldn’t hear from the back seat.  I tried to lean in to understand what he was saying.  As I leaned forward, I saw how dusty the car was, and the cracks and torn vinyl in the car.  The man did not smile.  I thought I made out something about him going to Panama to see a friend who was in trouble.  Kendra smiled at him.  I leaned in, but eventually gave up trying to hear what he was saying, and smiled, too.  I explained that I could not hear from the back seat, and he did not look amused. 

So, I sat in the back seat, and watched him.  He looked tense.  I noticed he had long fingernails.  Had he forgotten to cut them?  Was this normal in CR?  Why do long fingernails on men look so creepy? 

I started to feel tense myself.  I breathed and looked out the window a bit at the lush green jungle alongside the highway.  After a while, I thought to myself, “How kind of this man to pick us up.”  I started breathing more and softening.  I started to think of what I could do to thank him.  Since we couldn’t communicate, I decided to say a little prayer for him from the backseat.  I prayed to God, the Universe, and Mother Nature that this man would understand and FEEL how thankful we were for the ride.  I sat there, intentionally sending “good thoughts” his way.  I always talk about sending “good thoughts,” and here was my first concentrated effort to send them to a stranger I was sitting right behind.  I focused on sending positive energy his way, and for him to feel good about himself and picking up to random gringas and giving them a ride 10 miles down the road. 

I hope he felt them.

He dropped us off in the town of Uvita, and headed on his way.  He didn’t look back or say much, but I hope he understood our gratitude, and felt lighter as he continued his drive.

(And on our way back, we were picked up by one of my sister’s former co-workers from Fairbanks, Alaska!  On the highway from Uvita to Dominical in Costa Rica.  We chuckled our way down the road; amused by the coincidence of it all. What a small, small world it is.)

I’ve been warned about hitchhiking a lot.  Many people in Alaska hitchhike, but I’ve never tried.  The people I've picked up have been great, though.  I gave two guys a ride from Nenana to Anchorage once, and it was such fun to have good company on the drive.  It’s such a simple way to help someone, though; to give them a ride.  I love simple, meaningful ways we can help others.  I don’t know that I’ll pick up every hitchhiker I see, or that I’ll make it a habit of hitchhiking, but it was a great experience.  I'm going to try to think about sending "good thoughts" in a more concentrated way to strangers more often, too.  I don't know if they will feel them, but I believe they will.

light and love

The expression or idea of sending light and love to others is one of the more beautiful concepts I've discovered lately.  It so accurately expresses what I want to do with my life, and how I believe the world could be improved if we all made this a daily, hourly, moment-by-moment practice.

I'm not sure where I first heard this expression, but I noticed it again last night when I was watching "Eat Pray Love."  Did it come from the book?  I imagine it started before that.  I imagine it's an ancient practice.  I mention this expression as a means to beginning this new adventure in writing.

I was inspired by my dear friend and LP, Kendra, who has started writing the most luscious of blogs.  Her writing makes me giggle, it makes me think, it makes me feel like I'm sitting right next to her hearing the stories of her travels and life.  She is a new travel writer, and once I get permission, I will share her blog with you, as well. In the meantime, she's keeping it on the DL, and I might do the same with this.  I just returned from traveling in Costa Rica with her; a most relaxing and creativity-inspiring vacation.  Something about pure, hot hot hot sunshine, mixed with sand and sweat, in the middle of February must inspire something in my Arctic blood.  Perhaps it's just my needed dose of vitamin D?

In any case, one evening we sat drinking wine in our little hotel, and discussed why it's important to write, to sing, to dance, and to create.  I admit that I've been a victim of a more jaded, cynical position lately.  (I use the word "victim" intentionally.)  Somehow I had reached a spot in my mind where I wasn't sure that my voice, my writing, my perspective was worth writing about.  Yes, I wrote in my journal, for myself, but I wasn't sure about writing for others.  I'm okay with the vulnerability actually; of letting people into my thoughts; of opening myself up to criticism.  It was just some misguided idea I'd developed that it didn't matter whether I wrote.  I find this ironic, as I regularly consider how important VOICE is to people...particularly those that do not have a voice.  So, all of this to say, that as we discussed with our vino tinto why people should write music or blogs or create artwork, I was reminded that even if it has been done before, it has never been written in MY voice...or created in my way.  Thank you, Kendra.  That's what friends are for, right?  To support us and love us and guide us when we've gone astray.

In addition to this, I've been feeling a little uninspired creatively lately.  Again, this could simply be attributed to the darkness and snow outside my window, but I come from Viking blood and you'd think this would not be a deterrent for people like me.  I asked Kendra if she minded my starting a little blog of my own.  I created this blog in 2007, at a time in my life in which I was feeling particularly energized and inspired.  I wrote three entries (all of which I just deleted), and then became too busy to write more.  I remembered this in Costa Rica.

This is a little space for me to write, to seek inspiration and share it with others, to find stories about what's going right in the world and share them, to hopefully bring a little more joy into our universe.  Don't get me wrong.  Being aware and alive, and coming from a position of relative privilege in this world, I also feel a responsibility to shine a light on spaces where we need to work together to find solutions.  All is not right in this world, and while I am a forever-optimist and dreamer, I know that we need to work on finding solutions to the hate, the violence, the injustices, and the mistreatment of our brothers and sisters and planet.  This is one of the ways that I hope to contribute to a culture of peace in my community, the state of Alaska, the country of the United States, and the world.

So.  Thank you to Kendra for inspiring me, and giving me the courage and energy to write.  Thank you to Costa Rican sunshine for replenishing me.  Thank you to my sweet doggies who are sitting next to me patiently, waiting for a walk.  Thank you to you for reading, if I ever decide to share this.

I hope this brings love and light to you...and I hope that radiates out and you share it with others.  I wholeheartedly believe that simply smiling with kindness each day, brings light and love to the world.  Smile at your family, smile at your colleagues, smile at the cashier at the grocery store, smile at the trees, smile at the rays of sunshine or the clouds, and you can change the world.